Thought Full

I love blogs that are Beauty Full, but also those that are Thought Full - not considerate-thoughtful, but full-of-thought. I have been full of thought about Soozadoo’s recent post about being Frank http://soozadoo.wordpress.com/2008/04/22/frank/

I was not Frank as a child, in fact probably the opposite. I was brought up under a authoritarian parenting regime to be a nice girl, compliant, well behaved with my purpose in life being to keep everyone happy. No opinions to be voiced, no authority to be challenged – you get the picture. It takes years to undo that training – years to develop the confidence and belief that you are actually entitled to an opinion, to be difficult, to disagree without some kind of cataclysmic disaster ensuing. To really understand that in a good relationship, you can be angry without being abandoned. To take a chance on saying what you really think, instead of being appalling passive aggressive – what a relief!

I look back on my early 20s and realise that while I looked like a cute little Barbie, I had about the same amount of depth – just a walking talking doll who reflected whatever was acceptable and decorous. I had no self-esteem for if self-esteem stems from keeping everyone happy, from the sum total of your actions for that day, then it is never really safe, you can never relax. It has taken years of life experience to develop not only physical wrinkles, scars and bulges, but also a new person, Sue who has opinions, who doesn’t care so much about other people’s thoughts, who has permission to disagree with you, ever so gently and diplomatically ;) And to bring up three daughters to be as Frank as they want – even if those daughters are more challenging to parent LOL

While I respect Susannah and her forthright warrior truthfulness, I will never be that Frank. However I am working towards being authentically Sue and the satisfaction is immense, palpable.

So thanks Susannah, for making me Thought Full/an introspective, navel gazing wanker ;)
xxxxx